I hide behind my desire for privacy. Reflecting back, before I met Kha, I was a very open, transparent, and inviting person. I really had nothing to hide and was completely open to anyone who asked a question. My desire for privacy heightened when we started dating, then as we got engaged, and finally, it skyrocketed when we got married. All facebook posts or instagram pictures posted by my new husband had to be filtered through me because I was not comfortable with sharing information with people-I wanted to be hidden and private. Information was sparingly given to the world and I crept deeper into my own life, separated from community and away from friends. This continues to be an intense struggle for me because this sin is chipping away at all of my relationships, and I feel so unknown by my own world around me. I am thankful for this time because it has allowed Kha and I to grow closer together, but it has been difficult because I feel further away from my community and I know that it is going to take a long time to build it all again. It will not look the same as it did before, but I know that it will be worth it and I will be changed.
These past months have been the hardest months of my short life. I have cried as much as I have laughed and I am developing deeper into Christ while feeling so far away. Never before have I felt so hot and cold at the same time. This first year of marriage has been amazing, and I am incredibly blessed and taken care of by my Father in Heaven through my husband. I would not call this time a season because it has been so formative for the woman of God I am called to be. Suffering has been a common theme in this time, but so has joy. At times, suffering has outweighed the joy, and at other times, joy has heavily outweighed my bitter tears. Long nights and long talks have shaped my heart as I stepped closer to the cross. With each step I took suffering was there to overwhelm me.
This Easter my heart was held tight by my Savior. I felt completely overtaken and shown that even though this suffering is not lifted from me, I have a Savior who understands as He hung NAKED and ASHAMED on the cross for my sin. I am a human soaked in sin and even though this sin will never leave my nature I have a Savior who understands. We were not intended to suffer, which is why it is so shaking. I thank my Savior for His compassion and understanding in His suffering and His death. The Good Friday service at Sojourn Community Church allowed for a deep confrontation with my Savior. My sin and my blind heart were shown to me in a deeply compassionate and loving way. I am forgiven and I am loved. I am being changed and I will be perfect, one day. I am thanking Jesus Christ for His truth. I will not be changed over night and my suffering has still not left me, but I am confident that my Savior loves me and He understands.